I can’t explain how I feel because it sometimes changes from minute to minute or hour to hour. Right now, I’m numb. But I made myself very busy today because I know tomorrow is ‘the’ day. When I would picture my drive to the vet and then picture the drive home without him, I had to consciously change my train of thought. There was no point in crying now, because NOW he was here…with me. I’ll cry plenty the day of…
What was hard today was knowing I was making his bed for the
last time. Or cleaning his bowl for the
last time and hanging up his remaining 3 diapers because they wouldn’t be
needed anymore. The finality is
heart-wrenching but there is nothing I can do.
Although, I’d give anything to never lose that dog, in
reality he has to go sometime. And
although this will be the hardest drive I’ve ever made, when it’s over…I’ll
feel a tiny bit relief. I’ve been crying
over losing this boy since November, when I thought it was time then. But I was
granted 8 more months with him. And they
haven’t been an easy 8 months either.
I’ve walked in more piles of poo and puddles of pee than I care to
admit. I’ve had to stop whatever I was
doing to answer his random he-has-no-idea-why-he’s-crying cries. Or pick him up from here so he can walk 3
feet there. I want to throttle him but
it’s not HIS fault I’ve kept him passed his expiration date.
Or had I?
Because when he gets a little pep in his step or gets right
up from a sitting position or throws his ball at me…this is when I question the
timing of the inevitable.
But honestly, as everyone knows who’s loved a beloved
friend, there IS no easy time.
Ever. I could get him a
wheelchair and sew his diaper on permanently and poke my ears til I’m deaf so I
don’t have to listen to his no-idea-why-I’m-crying cries; but…it’s not fair to
him. As my lovely friend told me…I’m
freeing him from his caged body.
I’d like to believe he’ll soar after his last breath and run
free, hike and swim like he did years ago; but, that’s what kills me. In reality, I’ll never see him again.
And THAT is the most heart-wrenching piece of all…
