Sunday, July 28, 2013

Final Post...

Well the time has come to say goodbye to the most tumultuous and difficult friend I’ve ever had.

I can’t explain how I feel because it sometimes changes from minute to minute or hour to hour.  Right now, I’m numb.  But I made myself very busy today because I know tomorrow is ‘the’ day.  When I would picture my drive to the vet and then picture the drive home without him, I had to consciously change my train of thought.  There was no point in crying now, because NOW he was here…with me.  I’ll cry plenty the day of…

What was hard today was knowing I was making his bed for the last time.  Or cleaning his bowl for the last time and hanging up his remaining 3 diapers because they wouldn’t be needed anymore.  The finality is heart-wrenching but there is nothing I can do. 
Although, I’d give anything to never lose that dog, in reality he has to go sometime.  And although this will be the hardest drive I’ve ever made, when it’s over…I’ll feel a tiny bit relief.  I’ve been crying over losing this boy since November, when I thought it was time then. But I was granted 8 more months with him.  And they haven’t been an easy 8 months either.  I’ve walked in more piles of poo and puddles of pee than I care to admit.  I’ve had to stop whatever I was doing to answer his random he-has-no-idea-why-he’s-crying cries.  Or pick him up from here so he can walk 3 feet there.  I want to throttle him but it’s not HIS fault I’ve kept him passed his expiration date.

Or had I?
Because when he gets a little pep in his step or gets right up from a sitting position or throws his ball at me…this is when I question the timing of the inevitable.   

But honestly, as everyone knows who’s loved a beloved friend, there IS no easy time.  Ever.  I could get him a wheelchair and sew his diaper on permanently and poke my ears til I’m deaf so I don’t have to listen to his no-idea-why-I’m-crying cries; but…it’s not fair to him.  As my lovely friend told me…I’m freeing him from his caged body. 
I’d like to believe he’ll soar after his last breath and run free, hike and swim like he did years ago; but, that’s what kills me.  In reality, I’ll never see him again.

And THAT is the most heart-wrenching piece of all…